Bad Vampire Books

After last year's incredible experience with Secret Life of a Vampire, there was no question that we would go back for more—especially when the girls from Wittenberg brought eight paranormal romances for us to swap back and forth. We even have a rating system. After reading a book, the reader writes her (his?) name, a rating of one to five crosses, and a single word to represent the book. My favorite so far is not exactly one word, but it's close enough: "showerscene."

We also have the occasional live reading, for which we always choose the most embarrassing scenes. Laughter inevitably follows.



A lot of these books seem to have similar trends—a woman who is aging or otherwise insecure about her body is suddenly noticed by a devastatingly handsome vampire (or other supernatural creature) who sweeps her off her feet, makes her immortal, and almost immediately commits to an eternal monogamous relationship. The women who write these books all appear to have terrible pen names that overuse the letter "Y." Examples: Rhyannon Byrd, Yasmin Galenorn. Some of the plots are pretty wild—one book involves a woman with three husbands, including a fox demon and a dragon. But most are what you'd expect, since if you read the back matter, it's not exactly difficult to determine who will be getting together.

Our absolute "favorite" of all vampire romance authors is Lynsay Sands, whose vampires originated on Atlantis and require blood to feed the scientifically advanced "nanos" that eternally regenerate their bodies. Here are some real gems, possibly paraphrased. Can you really blame us for finding these so entertaining?

"She felt like an invaded country."

"He sprang away from her like a rat from a sinking ship."

"The man had a butt you could bounce coins off."

"He obviously felt no shame at using his skills so shamelessly."